She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
