There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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