my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I came so hard my ears popped.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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