Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
