"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
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