is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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