The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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