I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
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