you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Randomize
