I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
