Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
Randomize
