I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Randomize
