I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
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