I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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