It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
