i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
