I murdered the dance floor call the cops
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
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