I CAN MOONWALK!
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
I supernannyed him into submission
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
Randomize
