I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Randomize
