I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
