I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
and she was petting her beer can
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
