Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
