Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
