You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
