At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
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