I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
