I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
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