I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
