he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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