i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
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