I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
Randomize
