I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
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