dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
