So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Randomize
