Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Randomize
