Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
Randomize
