He disabled his match.com account in front of me
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
