Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
why do cheetos always look like penises
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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