at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
