Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Randomize
