my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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