Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
I think I won the penis lottery.
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Randomize
