I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
Randomize
