dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
where are my eyebrows?
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
