CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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