I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Randomize
