on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
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