We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
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