Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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