You guys coming?
We are smoking out the bouncer? But after that sure
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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