he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Randomize
