Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
