I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
I should be sponsored by Trojan
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Randomize
