Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
